I just don't show.

Hey, it's me again.

You do seem to be happier. You can do what you love, without putting anyone into consideration that you will neglect them again. I hope you are feeling better from the other day, you sound much better. Not like I can read you, but I just assumed. Not wise to assume, but that is all I know from what I see. I'm glad that I didn't go to you this time round. Maybe I wouldn't look so needy this time round eh? Maybe by doing so, it will not show that I am still into you, even after all that has happened. Even though we broke up, it doesn't mean that I love you any less. I just stopped showing it.

Unofficially, I have graduated from NP since Monday, but I have yet to decide on what I want to do after this. Work or to continue with my degree? I always wanted to be an sir stewardess. Always. But because of my commitments years before, I totally chucked that thought down the drain. Yes, many might say "why you so stupid? Why give up what you like?"

But, I know the feeling of being separated from your partner in a relationship be it whatever reasons. I know that feeling way too well, felt them more than twice and I do not ever want to feel it again if I am given a choice. It sucks. People say "Absence makes the heart fonder." and I agree to that. But, I am the kind of girl who prefers to be with my partner whenever I can. I rather not be apart.

I am that kind of girl who prefers a movie at my partner's place than at the cinema. I am that kind of girl who wants to consume food prepared and cooked by my partner than to be served in a fine dinning restaurant. I am that kind of girl who rather snuggle with my partner at home than to be partying in clubs. I am that kind of girl who will play sports with my partner under the sun than to be pampered in an air conditioned room. I am that kind of girl who will take long walks with my partner just because I want to accompany him whenever I am available. I am that kind of girl that wants to explore new places with my partner than him driving me around. I am that kind of girl who will do whatever my partner likes to do. I am that kind of girl who will want to take care of my partner when he is unwell or upset. I am that kind of girl who would rather do all these and many more for my partner, because I am that kind of girl.

Maybe by being this kind of girl, I am wrong. Maybe, it's time for me to think of myself now. Maybe, it's time to be a little selfish now since you don't see the same in me anymore. The moment when we fall out of love, that feeling is overwhelming and unbelievable. It stops your brain from thinking about the things you should be doing, instead it will be repeating about the things you once did, once said and once felt. Maybe, love couldn't conquer all after all. Just know that, I never like to show my vulnerable side to ANYONE, but you saw me at my weakest. I keep falling out of love, and in love with you so much that it confuses me.

I don't really know what is the best, and what is for our best, but maybe this is the best. For me to just cut myself out of your life. It's not easy for me, but I guess I really have to do it this time round, without showing it all.

“And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I've been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen" ― Charlie Kaufman

Fighting my urges.

It's funny how my attention is easily drawn to you, just like before. Everytime I see you post something upsetting or emotional on fb, I get concerned so damn quickly and would send you a text to ask about you even after so long. It is going to be 9 months soon, but I guess I would still feel the same even after years we broke up.

I just saw an emotional post on my fb newsfeed, saying that you're demoralized. Oh you don't know how much urge I have to send you a text, asking about you again. But, this time round, I think I'm giving it a pass. Not that I don't want to do it anymore, but you're right.

You left, ever since June 2013.

You came lingering around recently, hoping to see some changes, hoping to see if we could have something again. Then when things aren't as what you expected, you leave. Again.

My heart, just die each time you decide to come and go so easily. You don't know how difficult it is that I'm keeping this cool, strong front. Because firstly, I don't like to show my vulnerable side to people. Secondly, what for I keep showing my vulnerable side to you since you hate it and can't handle me being vulnerable? Then blame me that I'm too strong for my own good? Even when the least I need was a hug even before the breakup, you said we shouldn't have physical contact so we wouldn't complicate things. Then why didn't you keep to your 'rule' before we started an official relationship?

You don't want me to be weak. But yet you don't want me to be strong because I get too strong. Things didn't look too good when we ended. And it didn't even look any better after our last conversation when you decide to leave again. I have a lot to say, but what for right? Since you already decide to leave again.

Maybe this time, I should just brave up and face it. You left and I doubt you will be coming back.

Like what people always say, 'If you love someone, let them go.'. And, today I guess I should let you go. I hope you will find someone to share why you're demoralized today. (which I don't think it's an issue since you have many friends there for you) I hope you feel better soon.

I hope maybe one day, I could really face it, and let everything go like how you're doing it. You're really brave and strong. I'm not.

Glad that you're doing what you love now, since you mentioned that it was your passion. While I thought maybe I could be one in the reason to why you were so motivated but ha, I'm they stupid. I realized after the break up that even if I wasn't there at all, it wouldn't be much difference. Silly me. I naively thought you would be at least a little upset to not see me there, supporting you anymore. But guess what, you're doing better than before. Good for you.

Take care.