Falling to pieces.

It seems like I don't know you anymore. I don't see, talk, meet you anymore. We don't make plans together, we don't even bother anymore. You seem to move on easy, doing the things you do, meeting all the people you like, doing whatever that makes you happy. What about me? I feel like I'm falling, in fact fallen. Day by day as time passes by, all I can tell myself is "I'll fine, I'm stronger than this.". But am I?

I think I act well, maybe a bit too well for myself and it gets better everyday that even when I'm crumbling, I still put that smile on my face, repeating the same old sentence "I'll fine, I'm stronger than this.". And hey, it's not easy. Time and time again I just sit by my bed, drowning myself in tears. Time and time again I look in the mirror and think "Wtf, wake up and move on and do yourself some good. You look terrible." But every time I take 5 steps forwards, I fall. And I bruise easily. Healing them, is really not easy.

Just saw a picture, it seems like you're having lots of fun with your friends. I'm not sure where that place is, but by looking at the background, I guess it's where I think it is. Too many things going through my mind right now, but none can come out from my mouth. So many things that I want to ask you, but what for right? I have no rights to interfere. It's not part of my life anymore, and also, what can I do even if I don't like it? You chose this path, and there's no turning back. In fact, there's no way back to where it was.

How to recover? How to move on? "Vivian. you're stronger than me in the emotional state." Oh am I? I bet you didn't know how badly it affected me then. You have no idea. No fucking idea. Are you me now? Or have I told you that I was stronger in your dreams? My dear, I just act really well. Really well. Reading, hearing, digesting what you've said, it seems like I'm sitting in a lecture on everything that I suck in.

I feel like I don't know you anymore, or should I say, I never really did know you. There's always this part, where I not used to. Your jokes with your friends, crude.You just never realize that yourself no matter how many time I would tell you nicely. What was your reply? That "Jokes are jokes." but you don't know that jokes can be offensive and hurtful too. Yes, it doesn't hurt you. But it hurt others; me.

Yes, I'm insecure and I have confidence issues about myself, that I admit. But if you know that I'm insecure, why "hide" even more thinking that it would benefit? So when I find out, doesn't it affect me even more? Telling me things that I should know, is not feeding my insecurities. It never was. Honestly, I really don't know what to do. I can't even hold my gaze at your face for 30 seconds. It's way beyond awkwardness, it's just I don't know how to face you. Not that I've done anything wrong but, how to face you? Should I use the weak/strong/angry/calm/peaceful/pitiful/etc side? Which one would be the best when all I see is you sitting there, being nonchalant?

Never have I thought we would end up like this. Drowning myself in sorrow is not the way to go man. You asked me what I want. I do know what I want. What about you? Even if i tell you what I really want, and if it's like what you've said, that how things play out now is my move, can you accept it? Will you even? I don't know man. I was never better or good enough. It's just a mask I gave myself, to hide away all the pain and ache I'm going through. Never once that I never thought about us ever since the split.

Shadow me for a day, maybe then you will know.

I'm my own nemesis.

Thinking of you.

Lately, I've been losing out on sleep, thinking about what we could have been if things were different. If things didn't get this bad, if somethings didn't happen, where could we be at now? But as the saying goes "Everything happens for a reason", then what's the reason for our split? So that after we fall apart, we realize how much we have to get together again? Or for us to see that we can actually do without each other as time gets by?

Getting ready for bed, plugging in the ear phones, setting the right volume, playing and repeating the same old playlist every night before my eyelids get so heavy and slowly doze off. This seems to be a habit/routine of mine everyday. What's in the playlist you might ask. It's a really special song to me, I guess. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes every time I hear it play. Be it in public or at home or just anywhere. What's so special about it?

I love guys who can sing, and of course, singing it to and for me. There used to be a man, that really, really gave me best surprise ever, even till today. What did he do? In front of a crowd of about 80-100 guest, he sat on a bar stool, holding the microphone on his hands, he sang the best beautiful song for me, thanking me for being his date that night. I was awed, and truthfully thankful and shy. I guessed I acted too well to be neutral about it and I kept my composure, because after he came back to my side after the performance, he thought I didn't enjoy it. But deep down, I did, I really did, and my heart was racing like a race car driver.

Every night, before I sleep, the image of him sitting on the bar stool, comes alive. The memory is still so fresh even after 4 years plus that I could still repeat every single detail of it. I love the way he sings, who cares if it does sounds a bit nasal? I don't, and in fact I love the way he sings, every single part of it. Even when now, when everything is different, I still try to put a smile on my face even when I'm really not okay. Been months, and I have seemed to lost my soul.

All I can say is time does change people and feelings too. Does that mean that the love once shared wasn't true or real? Sometimes, when people grow, they grow apart. But have I grown apart from you? Or have you grown apart from me?

Here's something that I will admit to is, boy, I'm not okay.