Rest well.

Yes, I get it. Everything has changed ever since 6 months and 12 days ago. I should have known. I'm no longer the priority nor the important one anymore. I no longer belong to your world anymore.  6 months and 12 days indeed is a long time. But why, why does it feels like 6 minutes and 12 seconds ago?  I need encouragement, support, care and concern to get me going day after day. But I guess, what I need most is still you. It has been so long till I last saw you, held you in my arms, looked at you in the eye, felt butterflies in my stomach when I saw you, it was different. Everything was better, so much better. I love everything that we do, but what I love most was you. It was your presence that kept me going. Now that we are both leading different  lives, I really wonder how you're doing. You still meant a lot to me, don't blame me for being overreacting person, it's all because I still care. It might sound like an excuse, but you know me well, I only want the best for you. Just got to know that you're sick,  was very concerned. Give you some encouragement and hoping that you would be happy to hear from me. But it seems that my concern, its the same as everyone else's.  I hope you know that you still matter a lot to me. And I hope I still matter as much as you meant to me. Rest well.

Love is..

Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is honest. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

Love, what is love?

Applause.

And I really don't know when you will learn to do it. Did you even think of what should be done, for the slightest bit? Even if things were already sour, does it have to be worse? Don't you know the politically right answer/action? I clap for you.

Hurt vs disappointment.

I didn't mean to hurt you in any way, I'm just tired of myself, disappointing you. Again, and again. I really, really, didn't mean to cause any pain or hurt. For you, for me, for us. I am sorry.

Maybe by making you hate me, is the only way I can let you go.

Falling to pieces.

It seems like I don't know you anymore. I don't see, talk, meet you anymore. We don't make plans together, we don't even bother anymore. You seem to move on easy, doing the things you do, meeting all the people you like, doing whatever that makes you happy. What about me? I feel like I'm falling, in fact fallen. Day by day as time passes by, all I can tell myself is "I'll fine, I'm stronger than this.". But am I?

I think I act well, maybe a bit too well for myself and it gets better everyday that even when I'm crumbling, I still put that smile on my face, repeating the same old sentence "I'll fine, I'm stronger than this.". And hey, it's not easy. Time and time again I just sit by my bed, drowning myself in tears. Time and time again I look in the mirror and think "Wtf, wake up and move on and do yourself some good. You look terrible." But every time I take 5 steps forwards, I fall. And I bruise easily. Healing them, is really not easy.

Just saw a picture, it seems like you're having lots of fun with your friends. I'm not sure where that place is, but by looking at the background, I guess it's where I think it is. Too many things going through my mind right now, but none can come out from my mouth. So many things that I want to ask you, but what for right? I have no rights to interfere. It's not part of my life anymore, and also, what can I do even if I don't like it? You chose this path, and there's no turning back. In fact, there's no way back to where it was.

How to recover? How to move on? "Vivian. you're stronger than me in the emotional state." Oh am I? I bet you didn't know how badly it affected me then. You have no idea. No fucking idea. Are you me now? Or have I told you that I was stronger in your dreams? My dear, I just act really well. Really well. Reading, hearing, digesting what you've said, it seems like I'm sitting in a lecture on everything that I suck in.

I feel like I don't know you anymore, or should I say, I never really did know you. There's always this part, where I not used to. Your jokes with your friends, crude.You just never realize that yourself no matter how many time I would tell you nicely. What was your reply? That "Jokes are jokes." but you don't know that jokes can be offensive and hurtful too. Yes, it doesn't hurt you. But it hurt others; me.

Yes, I'm insecure and I have confidence issues about myself, that I admit. But if you know that I'm insecure, why "hide" even more thinking that it would benefit? So when I find out, doesn't it affect me even more? Telling me things that I should know, is not feeding my insecurities. It never was. Honestly, I really don't know what to do. I can't even hold my gaze at your face for 30 seconds. It's way beyond awkwardness, it's just I don't know how to face you. Not that I've done anything wrong but, how to face you? Should I use the weak/strong/angry/calm/peaceful/pitiful/etc side? Which one would be the best when all I see is you sitting there, being nonchalant?

Never have I thought we would end up like this. Drowning myself in sorrow is not the way to go man. You asked me what I want. I do know what I want. What about you? Even if i tell you what I really want, and if it's like what you've said, that how things play out now is my move, can you accept it? Will you even? I don't know man. I was never better or good enough. It's just a mask I gave myself, to hide away all the pain and ache I'm going through. Never once that I never thought about us ever since the split.

Shadow me for a day, maybe then you will know.

I'm my own nemesis.

Thinking of you.

Lately, I've been losing out on sleep, thinking about what we could have been if things were different. If things didn't get this bad, if somethings didn't happen, where could we be at now? But as the saying goes "Everything happens for a reason", then what's the reason for our split? So that after we fall apart, we realize how much we have to get together again? Or for us to see that we can actually do without each other as time gets by?

Getting ready for bed, plugging in the ear phones, setting the right volume, playing and repeating the same old playlist every night before my eyelids get so heavy and slowly doze off. This seems to be a habit/routine of mine everyday. What's in the playlist you might ask. It's a really special song to me, I guess. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes every time I hear it play. Be it in public or at home or just anywhere. What's so special about it?

I love guys who can sing, and of course, singing it to and for me. There used to be a man, that really, really gave me best surprise ever, even till today. What did he do? In front of a crowd of about 80-100 guest, he sat on a bar stool, holding the microphone on his hands, he sang the best beautiful song for me, thanking me for being his date that night. I was awed, and truthfully thankful and shy. I guessed I acted too well to be neutral about it and I kept my composure, because after he came back to my side after the performance, he thought I didn't enjoy it. But deep down, I did, I really did, and my heart was racing like a race car driver.

Every night, before I sleep, the image of him sitting on the bar stool, comes alive. The memory is still so fresh even after 4 years plus that I could still repeat every single detail of it. I love the way he sings, who cares if it does sounds a bit nasal? I don't, and in fact I love the way he sings, every single part of it. Even when now, when everything is different, I still try to put a smile on my face even when I'm really not okay. Been months, and I have seemed to lost my soul.

All I can say is time does change people and feelings too. Does that mean that the love once shared wasn't true or real? Sometimes, when people grow, they grow apart. But have I grown apart from you? Or have you grown apart from me?

Here's something that I will admit to is, boy, I'm not okay.

Dilemma.

Would it be better to restore or to replace? (Just a short rant)

For me, my answer would be to restore what was lost, not because it was my comfort zone. But because I didn't let go willingly, and I still have feelings for what was lost. Longing for restoration is very tiring but I'm holding on tight, because why?

Firstly, it might not even happen. Secondly, even if it does, how to restore?
Thirdly, if restored, will it be fruitful and be better than before?

I can't promise on it to be perfect but everyday, the moment I'm awake and my mind starts processing, I've never stopped longing the need and want of restoration. And if I'm giving another chance, I will promise to make this second time an even better one.

To replace, will never be my option unless you force me to. Because its hard for me to just, move on without you..

The end.

Started with a simple celebration with you on my 18th, also the first birthday with you. And you made me search for my own birthday present in your room like a treasure hunting game.

But that wasn't the end.

On my 19th, I got even more pampered by you. Not only just any surprise, you arrived at my doorstep with a birthday cake and even celebrated my birthday with my mum and my younger brother.

But that wasn't the end.

Then there comes my 20th birthday, or what you call the "20 syndrome", you brought me to Timbre at the Arts House after a mini celebration with just you, in your room with a small slice of cake you bought for me. I remember clearly, I told you "I really enjoyed the night, and I want it to happen again."

But that wasn't the end.

Hitting on the 21st, I chose a quiet way to celebrate my birthday. Just you and me, walking through thousands of blooms in Gardens By The Bay. Bought my own birthday cake, headed back home to my family, and of course, they saw you as family as well. Looking at the photo of you, me, my brother and my parents together, what's more can I ask for can I ask for on my birthday? Until, I received that handmade birthday story card created by you, of us, and my birthday became, "This is the best so far!".

But that wasn't the end.

Now that I'm 22 and all alone, all that I can say is that "This is the end."

Best policy?

Have you ever wondered how a perfect day could be ruined in a second? Just a split second. And honestly, you don't even know how it came about. And what can be worse when you don't even mean it the way it sounded, and suddenly you're caught in the state where a last chance was given? It's totally a make or break.

Sometimes, you just can't help but wonder, are we really okay? Will we be okay? If so, by when? If so, till when? Is it because after so long then we realize that our characters do not match? Is it that we don't even accept one another's flaws in this relationship? Is it the patience and tolerance level is continuously depleting after being comfortable with each other? Or is it, that we are slowly getting tired of everything in the relationship and couldn't find a way out?

It's so confusing at times. You can't read my signs, and I can't read yours. When we're good, we're really good. But if we're bad, yes we're really bad. We're just like the ends of the North and South pole magnet.

After the night, when I'm home on my bed, thinking about what really went wrong, I can't help but conclude that I was the fire starter. Again. If I could have kept that stupid comment to myself. If I could just nicely, drop a couple more hints even after doing so for many times. Only if.. If I knew the night was going to be so ugly, I wouldn't even have opened my mouth.

Honesty is the best policy they sag. And it is also something I always, always believed in but somehow always backfires on me. I want honesty, now I'm getting it. But is it the best policy? Honestly, I do not know anymore.

Will we work out? For how long? Till how long? Will we get settled down? The vision to the future is as blurry as the fog on the mirror. Sometimes we get caught in such a dramatic situation that we can't handle.

How far can and will you push yourself to get the best results that you want and desire? Will you run out of battery before the finishing line?

We're not bad, but we're not great either.

What defines being loyal?

Should being and staying loyal in a relationship be a deliberate effort? How can one say that without thinking how misleading it would sound to the other party? Does that mean A is always constantly having the intention to cheat on B but keeps reminding that he/she is already in a relationship? It is really so misleading.

For me, I always thought staying loyal in the relationship would show how much the relationship means to me, and also how much I love my other half, to not even having the thought to cheat or lie and just want to be loyal to my one half in the relationship. Cheating is wrong, so wrong and should never be encouraged, thought of, taught or done. But why is it still so common?

I mean, if you can't stay loyal and have to constantly remind yourself that you are someone's bf/gf, then don't get into a relationship. What for get into one, then think of cheating, or even cheat on your other half? For the fun and satisfaction that you are getting, is it worth the heartbreaks and aches of someone whom you really claim to love?

I know that it's like a norm that there will always be a cheater somewhere. This is happening so often that when we see a happy ending, our first reaction would be "They are so sweet and happy together." then, we will kick ourselves in the face to think "Happy endings? Really?".

I really like to see how old couples remain together even after so long. It just gives me hope that maybe one day I can also find my other half that is able to stay with me for as long. Of course, staying together does not only mean physically, but mentally. I do believe that no one needs a partner that cheats, but it is almost impossible because of the temptations all around.

Money, appearance, anger, loneliness can all be reasons to why people cheat. And those who lost their fight to these, are said to have fallen for the many temptations in the world. So if there is so many temptations out there, how can we believe that the one we are with now, will stay loyal to you forever? Or at least till you pass on?

What can we believe in? Define loyal.