Thinking of you.

Lately, I've been losing out on sleep, thinking about what we could have been if things were different. If things didn't get this bad, if somethings didn't happen, where could we be at now? But as the saying goes "Everything happens for a reason", then what's the reason for our split? So that after we fall apart, we realize how much we have to get together again? Or for us to see that we can actually do without each other as time gets by?

Getting ready for bed, plugging in the ear phones, setting the right volume, playing and repeating the same old playlist every night before my eyelids get so heavy and slowly doze off. This seems to be a habit/routine of mine everyday. What's in the playlist you might ask. It's a really special song to me, I guess. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes every time I hear it play. Be it in public or at home or just anywhere. What's so special about it?

I love guys who can sing, and of course, singing it to and for me. There used to be a man, that really, really gave me best surprise ever, even till today. What did he do? In front of a crowd of about 80-100 guest, he sat on a bar stool, holding the microphone on his hands, he sang the best beautiful song for me, thanking me for being his date that night. I was awed, and truthfully thankful and shy. I guessed I acted too well to be neutral about it and I kept my composure, because after he came back to my side after the performance, he thought I didn't enjoy it. But deep down, I did, I really did, and my heart was racing like a race car driver.

Every night, before I sleep, the image of him sitting on the bar stool, comes alive. The memory is still so fresh even after 4 years plus that I could still repeat every single detail of it. I love the way he sings, who cares if it does sounds a bit nasal? I don't, and in fact I love the way he sings, every single part of it. Even when now, when everything is different, I still try to put a smile on my face even when I'm really not okay. Been months, and I have seemed to lost my soul.

All I can say is time does change people and feelings too. Does that mean that the love once shared wasn't true or real? Sometimes, when people grow, they grow apart. But have I grown apart from you? Or have you grown apart from me?

Here's something that I will admit to is, boy, I'm not okay.