Falling to pieces.

It seems like I don't know you anymore. I don't see, talk, meet you anymore. We don't make plans together, we don't even bother anymore. You seem to move on easy, doing the things you do, meeting all the people you like, doing whatever that makes you happy. What about me? I feel like I'm falling, in fact fallen. Day by day as time passes by, all I can tell myself is "I'll fine, I'm stronger than this.". But am I?

I think I act well, maybe a bit too well for myself and it gets better everyday that even when I'm crumbling, I still put that smile on my face, repeating the same old sentence "I'll fine, I'm stronger than this.". And hey, it's not easy. Time and time again I just sit by my bed, drowning myself in tears. Time and time again I look in the mirror and think "Wtf, wake up and move on and do yourself some good. You look terrible." But every time I take 5 steps forwards, I fall. And I bruise easily. Healing them, is really not easy.

Just saw a picture, it seems like you're having lots of fun with your friends. I'm not sure where that place is, but by looking at the background, I guess it's where I think it is. Too many things going through my mind right now, but none can come out from my mouth. So many things that I want to ask you, but what for right? I have no rights to interfere. It's not part of my life anymore, and also, what can I do even if I don't like it? You chose this path, and there's no turning back. In fact, there's no way back to where it was.

How to recover? How to move on? "Vivian. you're stronger than me in the emotional state." Oh am I? I bet you didn't know how badly it affected me then. You have no idea. No fucking idea. Are you me now? Or have I told you that I was stronger in your dreams? My dear, I just act really well. Really well. Reading, hearing, digesting what you've said, it seems like I'm sitting in a lecture on everything that I suck in.

I feel like I don't know you anymore, or should I say, I never really did know you. There's always this part, where I not used to. Your jokes with your friends, crude.You just never realize that yourself no matter how many time I would tell you nicely. What was your reply? That "Jokes are jokes." but you don't know that jokes can be offensive and hurtful too. Yes, it doesn't hurt you. But it hurt others; me.

Yes, I'm insecure and I have confidence issues about myself, that I admit. But if you know that I'm insecure, why "hide" even more thinking that it would benefit? So when I find out, doesn't it affect me even more? Telling me things that I should know, is not feeding my insecurities. It never was. Honestly, I really don't know what to do. I can't even hold my gaze at your face for 30 seconds. It's way beyond awkwardness, it's just I don't know how to face you. Not that I've done anything wrong but, how to face you? Should I use the weak/strong/angry/calm/peaceful/pitiful/etc side? Which one would be the best when all I see is you sitting there, being nonchalant?

Never have I thought we would end up like this. Drowning myself in sorrow is not the way to go man. You asked me what I want. I do know what I want. What about you? Even if i tell you what I really want, and if it's like what you've said, that how things play out now is my move, can you accept it? Will you even? I don't know man. I was never better or good enough. It's just a mask I gave myself, to hide away all the pain and ache I'm going through. Never once that I never thought about us ever since the split.

Shadow me for a day, maybe then you will know.

I'm my own nemesis.

Thinking of you.

Lately, I've been losing out on sleep, thinking about what we could have been if things were different. If things didn't get this bad, if somethings didn't happen, where could we be at now? But as the saying goes "Everything happens for a reason", then what's the reason for our split? So that after we fall apart, we realize how much we have to get together again? Or for us to see that we can actually do without each other as time gets by?

Getting ready for bed, plugging in the ear phones, setting the right volume, playing and repeating the same old playlist every night before my eyelids get so heavy and slowly doze off. This seems to be a habit/routine of mine everyday. What's in the playlist you might ask. It's a really special song to me, I guess. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes every time I hear it play. Be it in public or at home or just anywhere. What's so special about it?

I love guys who can sing, and of course, singing it to and for me. There used to be a man, that really, really gave me best surprise ever, even till today. What did he do? In front of a crowd of about 80-100 guest, he sat on a bar stool, holding the microphone on his hands, he sang the best beautiful song for me, thanking me for being his date that night. I was awed, and truthfully thankful and shy. I guessed I acted too well to be neutral about it and I kept my composure, because after he came back to my side after the performance, he thought I didn't enjoy it. But deep down, I did, I really did, and my heart was racing like a race car driver.

Every night, before I sleep, the image of him sitting on the bar stool, comes alive. The memory is still so fresh even after 4 years plus that I could still repeat every single detail of it. I love the way he sings, who cares if it does sounds a bit nasal? I don't, and in fact I love the way he sings, every single part of it. Even when now, when everything is different, I still try to put a smile on my face even when I'm really not okay. Been months, and I have seemed to lost my soul.

All I can say is time does change people and feelings too. Does that mean that the love once shared wasn't true or real? Sometimes, when people grow, they grow apart. But have I grown apart from you? Or have you grown apart from me?

Here's something that I will admit to is, boy, I'm not okay.

Dilemma.

Would it be better to restore or to replace? (Just a short rant)

For me, my answer would be to restore what was lost, not because it was my comfort zone. But because I didn't let go willingly, and I still have feelings for what was lost. Longing for restoration is very tiring but I'm holding on tight, because why?

Firstly, it might not even happen. Secondly, even if it does, how to restore?
Thirdly, if restored, will it be fruitful and be better than before?

I can't promise on it to be perfect but everyday, the moment I'm awake and my mind starts processing, I've never stopped longing the need and want of restoration. And if I'm giving another chance, I will promise to make this second time an even better one.

To replace, will never be my option unless you force me to. Because its hard for me to just, move on without you..

The end.

Started with a simple celebration with you on my 18th, also the first birthday with you. And you made me search for my own birthday present in your room like a treasure hunting game.

But that wasn't the end.

On my 19th, I got even more pampered by you. Not only just any surprise, you arrived at my doorstep with a birthday cake and even celebrated my birthday with my mum and my younger brother.

But that wasn't the end.

Then there comes my 20th birthday, or what you call the "20 syndrome", you brought me to Timbre at the Arts House after a mini celebration with just you, in your room with a small slice of cake you bought for me. I remember clearly, I told you "I really enjoyed the night, and I want it to happen again."

But that wasn't the end.

Hitting on the 21st, I chose a quiet way to celebrate my birthday. Just you and me, walking through thousands of blooms in Gardens By The Bay. Bought my own birthday cake, headed back home to my family, and of course, they saw you as family as well. Looking at the photo of you, me, my brother and my parents together, what's more can I ask for can I ask for on my birthday? Until, I received that handmade birthday story card created by you, of us, and my birthday became, "This is the best so far!".

But that wasn't the end.

Now that I'm 22 and all alone, all that I can say is that "This is the end."

Best policy?

Have you ever wondered how a perfect day could be ruined in a second? Just a split second. And honestly, you don't even know how it came about. And what can be worse when you don't even mean it the way it sounded, and suddenly you're caught in the state where a last chance was given? It's totally a make or break.

Sometimes, you just can't help but wonder, are we really okay? Will we be okay? If so, by when? If so, till when? Is it because after so long then we realize that our characters do not match? Is it that we don't even accept one another's flaws in this relationship? Is it the patience and tolerance level is continuously depleting after being comfortable with each other? Or is it, that we are slowly getting tired of everything in the relationship and couldn't find a way out?

It's so confusing at times. You can't read my signs, and I can't read yours. When we're good, we're really good. But if we're bad, yes we're really bad. We're just like the ends of the North and South pole magnet.

After the night, when I'm home on my bed, thinking about what really went wrong, I can't help but conclude that I was the fire starter. Again. If I could have kept that stupid comment to myself. If I could just nicely, drop a couple more hints even after doing so for many times. Only if.. If I knew the night was going to be so ugly, I wouldn't even have opened my mouth.

Honesty is the best policy they sag. And it is also something I always, always believed in but somehow always backfires on me. I want honesty, now I'm getting it. But is it the best policy? Honestly, I do not know anymore.

Will we work out? For how long? Till how long? Will we get settled down? The vision to the future is as blurry as the fog on the mirror. Sometimes we get caught in such a dramatic situation that we can't handle.

How far can and will you push yourself to get the best results that you want and desire? Will you run out of battery before the finishing line?

We're not bad, but we're not great either.

What defines being loyal?

Should being and staying loyal in a relationship be a deliberate effort? How can one say that without thinking how misleading it would sound to the other party? Does that mean A is always constantly having the intention to cheat on B but keeps reminding that he/she is already in a relationship? It is really so misleading.

For me, I always thought staying loyal in the relationship would show how much the relationship means to me, and also how much I love my other half, to not even having the thought to cheat or lie and just want to be loyal to my one half in the relationship. Cheating is wrong, so wrong and should never be encouraged, thought of, taught or done. But why is it still so common?

I mean, if you can't stay loyal and have to constantly remind yourself that you are someone's bf/gf, then don't get into a relationship. What for get into one, then think of cheating, or even cheat on your other half? For the fun and satisfaction that you are getting, is it worth the heartbreaks and aches of someone whom you really claim to love?

I know that it's like a norm that there will always be a cheater somewhere. This is happening so often that when we see a happy ending, our first reaction would be "They are so sweet and happy together." then, we will kick ourselves in the face to think "Happy endings? Really?".

I really like to see how old couples remain together even after so long. It just gives me hope that maybe one day I can also find my other half that is able to stay with me for as long. Of course, staying together does not only mean physically, but mentally. I do believe that no one needs a partner that cheats, but it is almost impossible because of the temptations all around.

Money, appearance, anger, loneliness can all be reasons to why people cheat. And those who lost their fight to these, are said to have fallen for the many temptations in the world. So if there is so many temptations out there, how can we believe that the one we are with now, will stay loyal to you forever? Or at least till you pass on?

What can we believe in? Define loyal.

Why did I even?

That moment when you feel so stupid for expecting something that would really cheer you up, but it's totally shit to other party.

Again.

Been reading my past posts, unhappy > happy. But again, I haven been feeling happy for awhile now. Or maybe it's just pms. Time for bed, and be nice.

Love, hate, relationship.

Typed a really long paragraph, but decided to rewrite. I'm so upset about today. Tried to make it better, but I ended up reaching home with a much heavier heart. Sometimes it's really depressing to think about what things might be in the future with your partner, when at times things just looks so impossible. It's so delicate, a touch and it will break. I'm not even so upset when we fought, but that moment was really painful. Walked home with tears in my eyes, thinking over and over of what I have done. This is the only time I really didn't feel like talking to anyone. Shutting myself in my room seems to be the best solution for now. I'm not running away from reality, but I just need time to be alone. It all boils down to one reason to why all this is happening, ME. Somehow I caused all these to happen. Can't think of any other reason to why we are like this. Need an escape.

I still get butterflies.

Been awhile that I blogged. So I guess it shall be a long post? (: Was busy with preparations for exams and all. Exams is over now and I hope I can score. At least I know, I put in some effort. Oh well, year 1 in NP is great so far and progressing on to year 2 soon. Fast isn't it? Recently just lost all my contacts and I'm not able to retrieve back all the contacts that I have lost. Seems like some people just don't reply to anything don't they? Or maybe they might think that since we have not been talking or contacting each other for so long, what for?

Well, I do not know the actual reason, but just making an assumption. No offenses, or hard feelings. But it isn't that hard to text or reply right? It's okay, I got back some of the more important contacts that I need and I'm fine with the others not replying. I mean, I can't force right? Be it whatever reasons, I already sent a personal and private message in FB, so if I don't get a reply, I won't force.

Okay, Vday has passed but I think it's still alright for me to post about Vday right? Well, Vday is simple for my and my bf. A kinda last min, screw up here and there but simple and enjoyable one. Get what I mean? No? Okay, I shall explain. At first, I thought I can spend the whole day with obviously, my bf. Unexpectedly, he told me he have some video conference thing in school from 4-6.30pm. So okay, first blow. Then I went to make a reservation for dinner but there was some miscommunication, and my reservation is cancelled. That's the second blow.

Cancelled reservation, so I had to look for a place to have dinner but not reservation. Ended up, we decided to go to Holland Village to have dinner at a Mexican restaurant. After deciding and all, I went to prepare myself while my bf is already in the video conference. Third blow, I was late because bus 74 decided to be a bitch and not arrive even went it states 5 minutes. So I reached and met my bf and went to the restaurant. Forth blow, Holland Village was freaking packed! The queue for the restaurant was freaking long, no kidding! Last blow, after dinner we wanted to chill so I suggested Starbucks. But wow, seems like the whole Holland Village decided to chill at Starbucks too! So no choice, we left and headed to Thomson.

Red velvet and chocolate cupcake.

But to say, I still love Thomson Starbucks the most! Bought some coffee for me and earl grey for bf and cupcakes to munch on! Bf was feeling sick that day so it adds on to the 5 blows I had, but this didn't affect that much. Can I say that we are a fairly young but old couple? Well, the things we do and like does not involve loud music, packed like sardines places and etc. Yes, we still hold hands, we still look at each other in the eyes and many more. It's 6 days to our next month but another 37 days to our 3rd year anni. 37 DAYS!! Although it's going to be 3 years together, I still get butterflies sometimes when I'm going to meet him.

The image of us first meeting is still so fresh. My first Vday together is still as fresh too. Can you believe it? We went to Marina Square for a pre-Vday dinner and we ate 8 plates of sushi each. Thinking back, we were kinda crazy but it's all enjoyable. All those different memories we shared, they keep resurfacing in my mind, be it good or bad. This relationship didn't come easy, and yes like every normal couple, we both had our ups and downs in this relationship. At some point, it was really bad, like already on the verge of breaking up. But, I'm glad that we stood strong and overcame that period of time together. That period was just a nightmare, never thought things could be that rough. This was the clip that made me realize that I have to cherish what I already have. For those who have not watched this, I urge you to. And yes, I teared when I watched it. So prepare some tissues if you tear easily like me! Click here to watch the video, Strangers again.

Will blog again soon, since I'm having my holidays! Till now, see ya! (:

And to my bf, I'm glad that we believed in each other.
Let's continue to work hard together and make our dream come true.
Alright?

Do you get that?

Do you get that feeling that you are actually not really needed by someone you think you meant a lot to?

Well, I get that. In fact, always. Not sure whether I am too sensitive to feelings or that I am always paranoid. Or maybe I have a split personality? That I am not me?

I hate the feeling of not being needed by people I regard as important or dear to me. It's like, I can't perform or do anything for them or they don't need me that much like how I needed them.

Do you get the same feeling like I do? If you do, show some support. Not being emo or what so, but just wanna express myself. That I really don't like that feeling, like it's there wouldn't be a difference with or without me, or whether they need me or not.

It applies to not only my family but also the one I hold dearly to. But well, maybe I'm not as great or nice that I think I am. Telling me things in the last minute, I don't really like that either.

Back after a run, I feel no better. I know I need something sweet.

两年十月

Baby, you light up my life like no one else.

Been awhile since I blogged, but first I would want to wish my love, a HAPPY 2 YEARS and 10 MONTHS being together!!

Alright, back to business. Well, school has been hectic for me as usual. With a lot of tutorials and projects to do, with so little time. To why I have little time even if I leave straight after school is because, I work part time on some days, and most importantly, I go gym with my bf on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. So what about Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday?

I would be at the stadium doing my usual runs with my bf on Tuesdays, Saturday is dating day with bf. Sunday is work and homework day. Hectic life right? But well, I'm kinda used to and happy with this lifestyle. At least I get to meet my bf more often, I get to stay healthy and I can maintain my figure. Not saying I am blessed with very good figure, but I am satisfied with mine.

But finally, I can get better rest. I hope. Projects are all submitted, and I am left with the final exams for Year 1. By then, I aim to really rest really really well. But before I start to laze around, I should aim for a good result for the final exams. 3 very mentally draining modules. But as of now, I am kinda tired so I guess I should be going to bed now. Stay tuned for more posts, real soon. On Sunday I guess (: Night folks!

Because I'm only me, when I'm with you.

Another week is over, and it's already the second week of the year. Fast isn't it? School work is forever piling up, feel so bottled up. Spent the Saturday with my bf, just the usual (: But fulfilling. I just can never get enough of this. Next week is already Chinese New Year, but I don't feel the excitement like I used to when I was younger.

Come to think of it, I think we have all out grown the feeling of gathering together with your loved ones and just sit down and have fun with a cup of F&N orange and some CNY goodies. But well, life goes on right? It's going to be the fourth year I'm spending CNY with my bf. I can still remember clearly, like it was just yesterday when we first met. I wonder how it would be this year (:

Just half an hour before midnight, and I should get some sleep soon. Age is catching up with me real fast. In a blink of an eye, I'm turning 21 this august. When I always want to be older when I was younger, now I wish I can grow up slower. Still can't believe I'm going to be 21 this august. But whatever, a 21 and a 24 is better than a 18 and 21 together. Haha.

Just look at what we got ourselves into
You make we wanna say I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do,
Love you

Overwhelmed..

A hug for me please?


“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”
― Dr. Seuss

Pretty girls are everywhere nowadays. With makeup, no makeup, as long as you can name it, you will find it. If they are really blessed, a good figure would just be another bonus to them. Good eh? But there are also many, who are not so blessed but wish to be blessed. I'm just an average and plain girl, waiting to be blessed with good results in my studies for the effort I have put in. Pretty face and good figure is just secondary for me as of now. It's really hard to keep up with people who are younger than me in school. They seem to be so hardworking and are "born" smart, they rest so little but do so well in exams and all. Why can't I be like them too? I admit I'm kinda lazy when it comes to revision, but I do my tutorials, I try my best to understand every lecture, but I will never have results like them. Some just don't know how to be contented with their results. Or maybe I should say, what I am contented with, some will never see it as a good grade? Feeling so depressed recently, always have to urge to just cry but I don't know why. It's because of a D grade I got for Statistics last semester and my GPA now is so lousy. I got one A and two B for my other subjects, just because of a freaking D. Just got back my common test results, not really happy with them though. Passed all but 3 is just average, or below average compared to my classmates. What about the other 1? I just barely pulled through, by half a mark. With all these upcoming projects, I just hope I don't get marked down if I don't match their expectations. It's just this worries that keeps me awake in the night. Worrying that I haven finish tutorials, haven prepare for class test. Think my white hairs will be appearing soon. Knowing that a few of them can score 99/100, it worries me even more.

When will I be able to shine?

Never?

在我眼里

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

I always say that I have a handsome bf, from my point of view. But he doesnt believe me. ): He just got a new haircut this morning, a short faux hawk cut. Still as handsome as always, to me. Currently he is giving my brother maths tuition and I'm just doing my project by the side. Never knew why people can look so good, when they are serious. Know what i mean? Have plans for ourselves later at night, so I hope I can get my things done before he ends the tuition. I always thought, how my life would be like if I have never met him that day? Which was like about 3 years ago now.. Okay, back to work now.

如果那天没有遇见你, 我就不会是现在的我..

A revamp!

A sky full of lighters.

Hey guys, guess who's back?!

I am! Short and impromptu update! It has been a long long time ever since I updated my blog. The last time I ever updated was July 5, 2010! And today it's January 5, 2012. Life has been good for me for the recent years, a lot of ups and downs along the journey I took but what's important is those lessons I learnt.

2011 is over in a blink of an eye, I still can't believe that 2011 is over. I mean, isn't it a little too fast? But well, 2011 has a lot of bitter sweet memories for me though. Good to remember, bad to experience. But, I'm glad that my relationship and everything is going quite smoothly for me now. *Fingers crossed*

So finally I'm studying Business Studies in Ngee Ann Poly now. After 3 years of kindergarten education, 6 years of primary education, 4 years of secondary education and 3 years of ITE education. I FINALLY MADE IT INTO A POLY! But, projects and exams are the pain in the ass. Who said it was easy? Nobody!

Only if..

Only if i could turn back the time, many things wouldn't even have happened. Be it is good or bad, happy or sad.

Only if i could think about what i should do and not what i want to do, many unhappiness can be eased.

Only if i could think straight for the moment and not let other emotions take control over me, i wouldn't be like this today.

Only if i could be a little more smarter, i wouldn't have caused so many troubles in my 18 years of life.

Only if things were much easier, there wouldn't be problems to solve.

Only if i have better understanding and control, i would have been better.

If all is only if, if all i had was a time machine.

It's always only if.

BACK.

Almost forgot that i have a blog. Lol. Well, now that i have my own laptop, i might be updating often. Might be only. (: Well, short update now. Currently having attachment at this spa/salon place. Environment is good, people there is great. Just that i find them very funny. Oh well, attachment coming to an end, means school is going to reopen very soon. Until then, bye people! (:

Lost.

Find me my paradise. Where is it? Find me a perfect getaway.

Hell out of a week.

Monday 26 April 2010
School was LOL. Pom teacher cant stand half of our class sleeping, and the other half not paying attention, so he released us early. Hahaha! Went to meet Baby first because he taking MC. Poor thing, fall sick ): And anyway, Amk was pouring!!! Flood somemore. My school shoe wet like dunno what when i tried to tip-toe across a puddle and a uncle just step right into the puddle. I gave up, just walk across, and whole shoe wet. TSK. But, it was cooling though. (: Weic came over my place to bake her teddy bear. Damn funny, it became volcano eruption!!! Hahaha! But still, we managed to get a shape out of it. Hope her bf will appreciate this. Baking isnt easy.

Sunday 25 April 2010
Baby's mum birthday. Bought her chocolates as presents with a nice carrier. Abit no effort but was late min so, sorry uh. Went Bras Basah Complex and Marina Square with Baby to get something and ended up playing bishi bashi in the arcade, causing us to be a little late. But, dinner at Jack's Place was alright. Only i think the salmon they never control the fire properly, abit over cooked. =/

Saturday 24 April 2010
Today Baby will be having his very first dragonboat race before his duty. Good luck! (:
And bloody hell, im very confused now. The guy told me this phone is good, that sucks, and good again. Im very confused and in the end, i went home with nothing, but with my super chui phone. ):


Friday 23 April 2010

Watched Bounty Hunter today at J8 and it was something like Date Night. And i still prefer Date Night. Haha. Must still, overall, nice. My tummy hurts like hell man. Sucks. ):
Oh, and Happy 19th Birthday to WeiHua!!!! (:
Hope you like the present.

Thursday 22 April 2010
Went over to WeiHua's birthday chalet. Super duper wu lu!!! Missed the shuttle and shared a cab to her chalet with 2 strangers but together with Baby uh. (: A little weird over there because dont really know her friends. Haha. But still, hope she enjoyed the chalet (: