I just don't show.

Hey, it's me again.

You do seem to be happier. You can do what you love, without putting anyone into consideration that you will neglect them again. I hope you are feeling better from the other day, you sound much better. Not like I can read you, but I just assumed. Not wise to assume, but that is all I know from what I see. I'm glad that I didn't go to you this time round. Maybe I wouldn't look so needy this time round eh? Maybe by doing so, it will not show that I am still into you, even after all that has happened. Even though we broke up, it doesn't mean that I love you any less. I just stopped showing it.

Unofficially, I have graduated from NP since Monday, but I have yet to decide on what I want to do after this. Work or to continue with my degree? I always wanted to be an sir stewardess. Always. But because of my commitments years before, I totally chucked that thought down the drain. Yes, many might say "why you so stupid? Why give up what you like?"

But, I know the feeling of being separated from your partner in a relationship be it whatever reasons. I know that feeling way too well, felt them more than twice and I do not ever want to feel it again if I am given a choice. It sucks. People say "Absence makes the heart fonder." and I agree to that. But, I am the kind of girl who prefers to be with my partner whenever I can. I rather not be apart.

I am that kind of girl who prefers a movie at my partner's place than at the cinema. I am that kind of girl who wants to consume food prepared and cooked by my partner than to be served in a fine dinning restaurant. I am that kind of girl who rather snuggle with my partner at home than to be partying in clubs. I am that kind of girl who will play sports with my partner under the sun than to be pampered in an air conditioned room. I am that kind of girl who will take long walks with my partner just because I want to accompany him whenever I am available. I am that kind of girl that wants to explore new places with my partner than him driving me around. I am that kind of girl who will do whatever my partner likes to do. I am that kind of girl who will want to take care of my partner when he is unwell or upset. I am that kind of girl who would rather do all these and many more for my partner, because I am that kind of girl.

Maybe by being this kind of girl, I am wrong. Maybe, it's time for me to think of myself now. Maybe, it's time to be a little selfish now since you don't see the same in me anymore. The moment when we fall out of love, that feeling is overwhelming and unbelievable. It stops your brain from thinking about the things you should be doing, instead it will be repeating about the things you once did, once said and once felt. Maybe, love couldn't conquer all after all. Just know that, I never like to show my vulnerable side to ANYONE, but you saw me at my weakest. I keep falling out of love, and in love with you so much that it confuses me.

I don't really know what is the best, and what is for our best, but maybe this is the best. For me to just cut myself out of your life. It's not easy for me, but I guess I really have to do it this time round, without showing it all.

“And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I've been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen" ― Charlie Kaufman

Fighting my urges.

It's funny how my attention is easily drawn to you, just like before. Everytime I see you post something upsetting or emotional on fb, I get concerned so damn quickly and would send you a text to ask about you even after so long. It is going to be 9 months soon, but I guess I would still feel the same even after years we broke up.

I just saw an emotional post on my fb newsfeed, saying that you're demoralized. Oh you don't know how much urge I have to send you a text, asking about you again. But, this time round, I think I'm giving it a pass. Not that I don't want to do it anymore, but you're right.

You left, ever since June 2013.

You came lingering around recently, hoping to see some changes, hoping to see if we could have something again. Then when things aren't as what you expected, you leave. Again.

My heart, just die each time you decide to come and go so easily. You don't know how difficult it is that I'm keeping this cool, strong front. Because firstly, I don't like to show my vulnerable side to people. Secondly, what for I keep showing my vulnerable side to you since you hate it and can't handle me being vulnerable? Then blame me that I'm too strong for my own good? Even when the least I need was a hug even before the breakup, you said we shouldn't have physical contact so we wouldn't complicate things. Then why didn't you keep to your 'rule' before we started an official relationship?

You don't want me to be weak. But yet you don't want me to be strong because I get too strong. Things didn't look too good when we ended. And it didn't even look any better after our last conversation when you decide to leave again. I have a lot to say, but what for right? Since you already decide to leave again.

Maybe this time, I should just brave up and face it. You left and I doubt you will be coming back.

Like what people always say, 'If you love someone, let them go.'. And, today I guess I should let you go. I hope you will find someone to share why you're demoralized today. (which I don't think it's an issue since you have many friends there for you) I hope you feel better soon.

I hope maybe one day, I could really face it, and let everything go like how you're doing it. You're really brave and strong. I'm not.

Glad that you're doing what you love now, since you mentioned that it was your passion. While I thought maybe I could be one in the reason to why you were so motivated but ha, I'm they stupid. I realized after the break up that even if I wasn't there at all, it wouldn't be much difference. Silly me. I naively thought you would be at least a little upset to not see me there, supporting you anymore. But guess what, you're doing better than before. Good for you.

Take care.

Rest well.

Yes, I get it. Everything has changed ever since 6 months and 12 days ago. I should have known. I'm no longer the priority nor the important one anymore. I no longer belong to your world anymore.  6 months and 12 days indeed is a long time. But why, why does it feels like 6 minutes and 12 seconds ago?  I need encouragement, support, care and concern to get me going day after day. But I guess, what I need most is still you. It has been so long till I last saw you, held you in my arms, looked at you in the eye, felt butterflies in my stomach when I saw you, it was different. Everything was better, so much better. I love everything that we do, but what I love most was you. It was your presence that kept me going. Now that we are both leading different  lives, I really wonder how you're doing. You still meant a lot to me, don't blame me for being overreacting person, it's all because I still care. It might sound like an excuse, but you know me well, I only want the best for you. Just got to know that you're sick,  was very concerned. Give you some encouragement and hoping that you would be happy to hear from me. But it seems that my concern, its the same as everyone else's.  I hope you know that you still matter a lot to me. And I hope I still matter as much as you meant to me. Rest well.

Love is..

Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is honest. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

Love, what is love?

Applause.

And I really don't know when you will learn to do it. Did you even think of what should be done, for the slightest bit? Even if things were already sour, does it have to be worse? Don't you know the politically right answer/action? I clap for you.

Hurt vs disappointment.

I didn't mean to hurt you in any way, I'm just tired of myself, disappointing you. Again, and again. I really, really, didn't mean to cause any pain or hurt. For you, for me, for us. I am sorry.

Maybe by making you hate me, is the only way I can let you go.

Falling to pieces.

It seems like I don't know you anymore. I don't see, talk, meet you anymore. We don't make plans together, we don't even bother anymore. You seem to move on easy, doing the things you do, meeting all the people you like, doing whatever that makes you happy. What about me? I feel like I'm falling, in fact fallen. Day by day as time passes by, all I can tell myself is "I'll fine, I'm stronger than this.". But am I?

I think I act well, maybe a bit too well for myself and it gets better everyday that even when I'm crumbling, I still put that smile on my face, repeating the same old sentence "I'll fine, I'm stronger than this.". And hey, it's not easy. Time and time again I just sit by my bed, drowning myself in tears. Time and time again I look in the mirror and think "Wtf, wake up and move on and do yourself some good. You look terrible." But every time I take 5 steps forwards, I fall. And I bruise easily. Healing them, is really not easy.

Just saw a picture, it seems like you're having lots of fun with your friends. I'm not sure where that place is, but by looking at the background, I guess it's where I think it is. Too many things going through my mind right now, but none can come out from my mouth. So many things that I want to ask you, but what for right? I have no rights to interfere. It's not part of my life anymore, and also, what can I do even if I don't like it? You chose this path, and there's no turning back. In fact, there's no way back to where it was.

How to recover? How to move on? "Vivian. you're stronger than me in the emotional state." Oh am I? I bet you didn't know how badly it affected me then. You have no idea. No fucking idea. Are you me now? Or have I told you that I was stronger in your dreams? My dear, I just act really well. Really well. Reading, hearing, digesting what you've said, it seems like I'm sitting in a lecture on everything that I suck in.

I feel like I don't know you anymore, or should I say, I never really did know you. There's always this part, where I not used to. Your jokes with your friends, crude.You just never realize that yourself no matter how many time I would tell you nicely. What was your reply? That "Jokes are jokes." but you don't know that jokes can be offensive and hurtful too. Yes, it doesn't hurt you. But it hurt others; me.

Yes, I'm insecure and I have confidence issues about myself, that I admit. But if you know that I'm insecure, why "hide" even more thinking that it would benefit? So when I find out, doesn't it affect me even more? Telling me things that I should know, is not feeding my insecurities. It never was. Honestly, I really don't know what to do. I can't even hold my gaze at your face for 30 seconds. It's way beyond awkwardness, it's just I don't know how to face you. Not that I've done anything wrong but, how to face you? Should I use the weak/strong/angry/calm/peaceful/pitiful/etc side? Which one would be the best when all I see is you sitting there, being nonchalant?

Never have I thought we would end up like this. Drowning myself in sorrow is not the way to go man. You asked me what I want. I do know what I want. What about you? Even if i tell you what I really want, and if it's like what you've said, that how things play out now is my move, can you accept it? Will you even? I don't know man. I was never better or good enough. It's just a mask I gave myself, to hide away all the pain and ache I'm going through. Never once that I never thought about us ever since the split.

Shadow me for a day, maybe then you will know.

I'm my own nemesis.

Thinking of you.

Lately, I've been losing out on sleep, thinking about what we could have been if things were different. If things didn't get this bad, if somethings didn't happen, where could we be at now? But as the saying goes "Everything happens for a reason", then what's the reason for our split? So that after we fall apart, we realize how much we have to get together again? Or for us to see that we can actually do without each other as time gets by?

Getting ready for bed, plugging in the ear phones, setting the right volume, playing and repeating the same old playlist every night before my eyelids get so heavy and slowly doze off. This seems to be a habit/routine of mine everyday. What's in the playlist you might ask. It's a really special song to me, I guess. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes every time I hear it play. Be it in public or at home or just anywhere. What's so special about it?

I love guys who can sing, and of course, singing it to and for me. There used to be a man, that really, really gave me best surprise ever, even till today. What did he do? In front of a crowd of about 80-100 guest, he sat on a bar stool, holding the microphone on his hands, he sang the best beautiful song for me, thanking me for being his date that night. I was awed, and truthfully thankful and shy. I guessed I acted too well to be neutral about it and I kept my composure, because after he came back to my side after the performance, he thought I didn't enjoy it. But deep down, I did, I really did, and my heart was racing like a race car driver.

Every night, before I sleep, the image of him sitting on the bar stool, comes alive. The memory is still so fresh even after 4 years plus that I could still repeat every single detail of it. I love the way he sings, who cares if it does sounds a bit nasal? I don't, and in fact I love the way he sings, every single part of it. Even when now, when everything is different, I still try to put a smile on my face even when I'm really not okay. Been months, and I have seemed to lost my soul.

All I can say is time does change people and feelings too. Does that mean that the love once shared wasn't true or real? Sometimes, when people grow, they grow apart. But have I grown apart from you? Or have you grown apart from me?

Here's something that I will admit to is, boy, I'm not okay.

Dilemma.

Would it be better to restore or to replace? (Just a short rant)

For me, my answer would be to restore what was lost, not because it was my comfort zone. But because I didn't let go willingly, and I still have feelings for what was lost. Longing for restoration is very tiring but I'm holding on tight, because why?

Firstly, it might not even happen. Secondly, even if it does, how to restore?
Thirdly, if restored, will it be fruitful and be better than before?

I can't promise on it to be perfect but everyday, the moment I'm awake and my mind starts processing, I've never stopped longing the need and want of restoration. And if I'm giving another chance, I will promise to make this second time an even better one.

To replace, will never be my option unless you force me to. Because its hard for me to just, move on without you..

The end.

Started with a simple celebration with you on my 18th, also the first birthday with you. And you made me search for my own birthday present in your room like a treasure hunting game.

But that wasn't the end.

On my 19th, I got even more pampered by you. Not only just any surprise, you arrived at my doorstep with a birthday cake and even celebrated my birthday with my mum and my younger brother.

But that wasn't the end.

Then there comes my 20th birthday, or what you call the "20 syndrome", you brought me to Timbre at the Arts House after a mini celebration with just you, in your room with a small slice of cake you bought for me. I remember clearly, I told you "I really enjoyed the night, and I want it to happen again."

But that wasn't the end.

Hitting on the 21st, I chose a quiet way to celebrate my birthday. Just you and me, walking through thousands of blooms in Gardens By The Bay. Bought my own birthday cake, headed back home to my family, and of course, they saw you as family as well. Looking at the photo of you, me, my brother and my parents together, what's more can I ask for can I ask for on my birthday? Until, I received that handmade birthday story card created by you, of us, and my birthday became, "This is the best so far!".

But that wasn't the end.

Now that I'm 22 and all alone, all that I can say is that "This is the end."

Best policy?

Have you ever wondered how a perfect day could be ruined in a second? Just a split second. And honestly, you don't even know how it came about. And what can be worse when you don't even mean it the way it sounded, and suddenly you're caught in the state where a last chance was given? It's totally a make or break.

Sometimes, you just can't help but wonder, are we really okay? Will we be okay? If so, by when? If so, till when? Is it because after so long then we realize that our characters do not match? Is it that we don't even accept one another's flaws in this relationship? Is it the patience and tolerance level is continuously depleting after being comfortable with each other? Or is it, that we are slowly getting tired of everything in the relationship and couldn't find a way out?

It's so confusing at times. You can't read my signs, and I can't read yours. When we're good, we're really good. But if we're bad, yes we're really bad. We're just like the ends of the North and South pole magnet.

After the night, when I'm home on my bed, thinking about what really went wrong, I can't help but conclude that I was the fire starter. Again. If I could have kept that stupid comment to myself. If I could just nicely, drop a couple more hints even after doing so for many times. Only if.. If I knew the night was going to be so ugly, I wouldn't even have opened my mouth.

Honesty is the best policy they sag. And it is also something I always, always believed in but somehow always backfires on me. I want honesty, now I'm getting it. But is it the best policy? Honestly, I do not know anymore.

Will we work out? For how long? Till how long? Will we get settled down? The vision to the future is as blurry as the fog on the mirror. Sometimes we get caught in such a dramatic situation that we can't handle.

How far can and will you push yourself to get the best results that you want and desire? Will you run out of battery before the finishing line?

We're not bad, but we're not great either.

What defines being loyal?

Should being and staying loyal in a relationship be a deliberate effort? How can one say that without thinking how misleading it would sound to the other party? Does that mean A is always constantly having the intention to cheat on B but keeps reminding that he/she is already in a relationship? It is really so misleading.

For me, I always thought staying loyal in the relationship would show how much the relationship means to me, and also how much I love my other half, to not even having the thought to cheat or lie and just want to be loyal to my one half in the relationship. Cheating is wrong, so wrong and should never be encouraged, thought of, taught or done. But why is it still so common?

I mean, if you can't stay loyal and have to constantly remind yourself that you are someone's bf/gf, then don't get into a relationship. What for get into one, then think of cheating, or even cheat on your other half? For the fun and satisfaction that you are getting, is it worth the heartbreaks and aches of someone whom you really claim to love?

I know that it's like a norm that there will always be a cheater somewhere. This is happening so often that when we see a happy ending, our first reaction would be "They are so sweet and happy together." then, we will kick ourselves in the face to think "Happy endings? Really?".

I really like to see how old couples remain together even after so long. It just gives me hope that maybe one day I can also find my other half that is able to stay with me for as long. Of course, staying together does not only mean physically, but mentally. I do believe that no one needs a partner that cheats, but it is almost impossible because of the temptations all around.

Money, appearance, anger, loneliness can all be reasons to why people cheat. And those who lost their fight to these, are said to have fallen for the many temptations in the world. So if there is so many temptations out there, how can we believe that the one we are with now, will stay loyal to you forever? Or at least till you pass on?

What can we believe in? Define loyal.

Why did I even?

That moment when you feel so stupid for expecting something that would really cheer you up, but it's totally shit to other party.

Again.

Been reading my past posts, unhappy > happy. But again, I haven been feeling happy for awhile now. Or maybe it's just pms. Time for bed, and be nice.

Love, hate, relationship.

Typed a really long paragraph, but decided to rewrite. I'm so upset about today. Tried to make it better, but I ended up reaching home with a much heavier heart. Sometimes it's really depressing to think about what things might be in the future with your partner, when at times things just looks so impossible. It's so delicate, a touch and it will break. I'm not even so upset when we fought, but that moment was really painful. Walked home with tears in my eyes, thinking over and over of what I have done. This is the only time I really didn't feel like talking to anyone. Shutting myself in my room seems to be the best solution for now. I'm not running away from reality, but I just need time to be alone. It all boils down to one reason to why all this is happening, ME. Somehow I caused all these to happen. Can't think of any other reason to why we are like this. Need an escape.

I still get butterflies.

Been awhile that I blogged. So I guess it shall be a long post? (: Was busy with preparations for exams and all. Exams is over now and I hope I can score. At least I know, I put in some effort. Oh well, year 1 in NP is great so far and progressing on to year 2 soon. Fast isn't it? Recently just lost all my contacts and I'm not able to retrieve back all the contacts that I have lost. Seems like some people just don't reply to anything don't they? Or maybe they might think that since we have not been talking or contacting each other for so long, what for?

Well, I do not know the actual reason, but just making an assumption. No offenses, or hard feelings. But it isn't that hard to text or reply right? It's okay, I got back some of the more important contacts that I need and I'm fine with the others not replying. I mean, I can't force right? Be it whatever reasons, I already sent a personal and private message in FB, so if I don't get a reply, I won't force.

Okay, Vday has passed but I think it's still alright for me to post about Vday right? Well, Vday is simple for my and my bf. A kinda last min, screw up here and there but simple and enjoyable one. Get what I mean? No? Okay, I shall explain. At first, I thought I can spend the whole day with obviously, my bf. Unexpectedly, he told me he have some video conference thing in school from 4-6.30pm. So okay, first blow. Then I went to make a reservation for dinner but there was some miscommunication, and my reservation is cancelled. That's the second blow.

Cancelled reservation, so I had to look for a place to have dinner but not reservation. Ended up, we decided to go to Holland Village to have dinner at a Mexican restaurant. After deciding and all, I went to prepare myself while my bf is already in the video conference. Third blow, I was late because bus 74 decided to be a bitch and not arrive even went it states 5 minutes. So I reached and met my bf and went to the restaurant. Forth blow, Holland Village was freaking packed! The queue for the restaurant was freaking long, no kidding! Last blow, after dinner we wanted to chill so I suggested Starbucks. But wow, seems like the whole Holland Village decided to chill at Starbucks too! So no choice, we left and headed to Thomson.

Red velvet and chocolate cupcake.

But to say, I still love Thomson Starbucks the most! Bought some coffee for me and earl grey for bf and cupcakes to munch on! Bf was feeling sick that day so it adds on to the 5 blows I had, but this didn't affect that much. Can I say that we are a fairly young but old couple? Well, the things we do and like does not involve loud music, packed like sardines places and etc. Yes, we still hold hands, we still look at each other in the eyes and many more. It's 6 days to our next month but another 37 days to our 3rd year anni. 37 DAYS!! Although it's going to be 3 years together, I still get butterflies sometimes when I'm going to meet him.

The image of us first meeting is still so fresh. My first Vday together is still as fresh too. Can you believe it? We went to Marina Square for a pre-Vday dinner and we ate 8 plates of sushi each. Thinking back, we were kinda crazy but it's all enjoyable. All those different memories we shared, they keep resurfacing in my mind, be it good or bad. This relationship didn't come easy, and yes like every normal couple, we both had our ups and downs in this relationship. At some point, it was really bad, like already on the verge of breaking up. But, I'm glad that we stood strong and overcame that period of time together. That period was just a nightmare, never thought things could be that rough. This was the clip that made me realize that I have to cherish what I already have. For those who have not watched this, I urge you to. And yes, I teared when I watched it. So prepare some tissues if you tear easily like me! Click here to watch the video, Strangers again.

Will blog again soon, since I'm having my holidays! Till now, see ya! (:

And to my bf, I'm glad that we believed in each other.
Let's continue to work hard together and make our dream come true.
Alright?

Do you get that?

Do you get that feeling that you are actually not really needed by someone you think you meant a lot to?

Well, I get that. In fact, always. Not sure whether I am too sensitive to feelings or that I am always paranoid. Or maybe I have a split personality? That I am not me?

I hate the feeling of not being needed by people I regard as important or dear to me. It's like, I can't perform or do anything for them or they don't need me that much like how I needed them.

Do you get the same feeling like I do? If you do, show some support. Not being emo or what so, but just wanna express myself. That I really don't like that feeling, like it's there wouldn't be a difference with or without me, or whether they need me or not.

It applies to not only my family but also the one I hold dearly to. But well, maybe I'm not as great or nice that I think I am. Telling me things in the last minute, I don't really like that either.

Back after a run, I feel no better. I know I need something sweet.

两年十月

Baby, you light up my life like no one else.

Been awhile since I blogged, but first I would want to wish my love, a HAPPY 2 YEARS and 10 MONTHS being together!!

Alright, back to business. Well, school has been hectic for me as usual. With a lot of tutorials and projects to do, with so little time. To why I have little time even if I leave straight after school is because, I work part time on some days, and most importantly, I go gym with my bf on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. So what about Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday?

I would be at the stadium doing my usual runs with my bf on Tuesdays, Saturday is dating day with bf. Sunday is work and homework day. Hectic life right? But well, I'm kinda used to and happy with this lifestyle. At least I get to meet my bf more often, I get to stay healthy and I can maintain my figure. Not saying I am blessed with very good figure, but I am satisfied with mine.

But finally, I can get better rest. I hope. Projects are all submitted, and I am left with the final exams for Year 1. By then, I aim to really rest really really well. But before I start to laze around, I should aim for a good result for the final exams. 3 very mentally draining modules. But as of now, I am kinda tired so I guess I should be going to bed now. Stay tuned for more posts, real soon. On Sunday I guess (: Night folks!

Because I'm only me, when I'm with you.

Another week is over, and it's already the second week of the year. Fast isn't it? School work is forever piling up, feel so bottled up. Spent the Saturday with my bf, just the usual (: But fulfilling. I just can never get enough of this. Next week is already Chinese New Year, but I don't feel the excitement like I used to when I was younger.

Come to think of it, I think we have all out grown the feeling of gathering together with your loved ones and just sit down and have fun with a cup of F&N orange and some CNY goodies. But well, life goes on right? It's going to be the fourth year I'm spending CNY with my bf. I can still remember clearly, like it was just yesterday when we first met. I wonder how it would be this year (:

Just half an hour before midnight, and I should get some sleep soon. Age is catching up with me real fast. In a blink of an eye, I'm turning 21 this august. When I always want to be older when I was younger, now I wish I can grow up slower. Still can't believe I'm going to be 21 this august. But whatever, a 21 and a 24 is better than a 18 and 21 together. Haha.

Just look at what we got ourselves into
You make we wanna say I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do,
Love you