All that i have said is based on what i feel and think. You dont have to read it if you dont want to. You can laugh all you want, say all you one but for those who wants to give sarcastic remarks, you can jolly well keep them to yourself. I dont need them anyway.
Im experiencing that helpless feeling once again. Nothing i do seem to please, nothing i do seems to be right. Totally helplessness. Everything i do, seem to make everything worst. Sometimes, i ask myself. Why am i in this situation again? All i do, just creates problems, becomes fights. I pick on every little thing. Why? Who can tell me why? Is it i expect too much? Am i expecting too much? Am i demanding? Who can tell me what's demanding? I just wanted to talk to someone, i turn to you. But, when i start to let my guard down, we quarrel. Yea, my fault. And now, who else can i turn to? I just want a little bit of help, a little bit of protection, a little bit of security, a hug and a pair of listening ears and i'll be fine.. You dont want to listen , fine, it's okay. Let me know that you'll be there when i need you. I always thought i was good, but it seems to be im not enough good. Im far from good. I dunno where i stand. I dunno where to stand. From young, im already like this. I always wait for people to come talk to me, i wait for people to tell me what's happening, i wait for people to tell me what im supposed to do. Many times, i tell myself, i shouldnt let this happen. But i dunno how to rewrite everything. How i wish i had a reset button so that i could just reset my life. Minus the bad choices, bad decisions, plus all the good and wonderful ones. But i just cant. This is me, im like this. Im not confident. Im bad, im not good. Im really far from good. I always thought i have what i want, but end up, i have nothing that i ever wanted. Yes, some people might be laughing at me and thinking in their mind, saying out loud. Oh, vivian also will like that one? Yes, im also human and i need the extra pair of hands to lift me up and not to only say, reprimand and continue saying. When i ask what can i do, i expect an answer. I dont want you to ask me back, ask me to think on my own. When i ask, means im clueless. I always thought looking up to the sky, would stop the tears from flowing. But im wrong, im so wrong. I end up crying like a broken dam. Yes, im a cry baby, i dunno how to speak up, i always keep everything to myself and end up exploding. I also need someone to talk to, but i just cant find the right one. I have tried but that person i thought was nice, turn out to be "nice". Every little thing, add up to one big thing. Is listening to friends a better choice? I asked myself what to do, but all i can think of is, nothing, total blank. I always wanted things to work out, but in the end, the quarrels occurs even more. Why is this so? Why? I always ask myself, WHY? I already working on my bad points, i know i get upset by every little small thing. Since last week, i have been trying to tell how i feel, hint you that i was upset. You didnt get it, so i gave up hinting. I told you, you told me wait for another day. When i say i want to meet, means i got something to say. Yea, it might not be a big deal to wait another day for you, but to me, yes is it. Human nature that we pick on the bad points. And it's also my fault. Maybe im just not trying hard enough. When i need you, i just need you to be there. You can do any other things you want, but i just need your presence, your assurance. It's good enough. Yes, i know im in the wrong. And now, who else can i turn to? Im like slapping myself with my own hand because i dont speak up and i wish that people will understand me. I really thought so. Maybe i brought this upon myself. Maybe i dont even deserve anything. I always thought i am a person who is easy to understand, but it turns out to be that im not. Im far worst. Im a person with low confidence, i dont speak up, im okay with anything. But now i know, actually im not okay to anything. I just keeping quiet to make things easier but ends up, even harder. Im okay to nothing. I used to have someone to talk to, but now no more. Alright, go on, move on. A total piece of shit.
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